I fell in love with my best friend again tonight. He said we were soulmates. How is that something I can’t love? There are no words for the trapped I feel. Just the dreams of you and I and a world made only for us. I’ve always dreamt of that person, a person sacred only to me, and to whom only I am sacred, a person who fits only me, who only I fit, a human being who just gets it, like he gets it.
“Someday we’ll get out of here.”
I’m such a romantic, and this is so wrong. But you’re so perfect. And I’m in love with you. I want to tell you that, because I think you’ll say it back. But where do we go from there? What do you say after you’ve said it all? Do you rip down all the things you’ve built up in your life for three little words and have no idea what direction you’re headed in? See, that’s the thing, I’ve got my shit figured out and you don’t. I know where I’m going and I don’t think you ever will, so why am I letting you in here, why am I allowing you to push my mind and my heart in different directions? So many whys and you surely don’t have the answers. The only thing you’ve got to give is a few minutes of your precious day when I can pray you’re not fucked up. But you know I love you, right? You know the shit I give you, that’s me loving you. That’s me craving you and resenting the fact that I don’t have you and the truth that I never will. I get that, too. Because you want to go left, and I’d prefer to stay right. Because you don’t want commitment, and I want the entire mind, body, and soul of another human being.
And the most fucked up part of it all, is that I thought I had that in someone else. And in many ways, I do. I am very fortunate, I am completely blessed. So then why are you still haunting my dreams? Why does my heart jump whenever you say stuff like “I know you get me like no else, I’ve known that for a long time. That’s why we’re best friends/soulmates/whatever”. Yeah, whatever. Whatever, here’s my heart. Whatever, I think I’d give it all up for you. Whatever, I think I’m crazy for thinking all of this, but you know, whatever. I’m in love with you. But hey, whatever.
